Holy crap, yesterday was awful.  I was still sick from Thrusday's headache, and to make things worse, one of my friends is probably going ot date one of my ex's.

I have conflicting feelings about that, but it's not my decision.

I talked to my good friend Katie about it and she was totally floored.

"She cannot do that!" Katie insisted, "It's in the Rulebook that girls are not allowed to date each other's exes.  It's in the freaking Constitution!"

Ashley turned around, "What's up, Linds?  Who am I going to beat up?"

I laughed, "No one is going to get beaten up.   We were just examining the Rulebook.  Besides, what am I going to say, 'no don't date the poor guy I dumped to go out with another guy'?"

Katie growled, "Well, it's still wrong."

"Maybe so," I said, "but lots of people trample me to get what they want, and in the end you just gotta roll with the punches."

Ashley stared at me.  "I wouldn't that that $^&$.  That's stupid."

She's right, you know. 

No, she isn't.  You can't give up all of your friends just because they violate some stupid rule.

But you don't think this rule is stupid, do you?

Linds, you can't just 'roll with the punches'!

Why not?

Because I'm not going to have my life ruined because your too concerned with pleasing half-way friends!

She is not a half-way friend!  She just likes my ex!  You can't help who you like!

You know, you do have an unhealthy obsession with keeping all of your friends happy.

So after science class, the way I normally do, I walked to the library with thr friend I was trying to keep happy.

"So what's wrong?"  She persisted.  "I thought we were like this!"  (Crossed fingers.)

"We are, it's just I don't know if you want to know."

"Of course I want to know!"

Well, I told her.

Probably not my smartest move.

Then later, at the library, guess who we meet up with?

Yeah.

So then she tells me what she had told me earlier that day, "I kissed him on the cheek."

And then they both just looked at me.

I may be an actress, but I do not want people looking at me to gauge my reaction.

Especially when the reaction is so crucial.

Smile.

Say that's great.

Make up something.

THEY ARE STARING AT ME!

Calm down, kiddo.  I haven't hurt you before, have I?

It never hurts to be polite.

Oh yes, easy for you to say.  You don't have to stare into the faces of your friends as if they were enemies.

They are enemies.

NO THEY'RE NOT!

So now I've got that to work out,.

But it pales in comparison if I just consider going to see I Am Legend.

It'll all be ok.

I hope so anyways.

Love,
Lindsay
 
P.S.  If anyone can find me a copy of The Rulebook, I would appreciate it.

It would be nice to get some feedback...Tell me what you think when you read my blog. 


Even if it just says, "Linds, you suck eggs."

Love,
Linds, who does not suck eggs.

I guess everything will eventually come full circle.  it usually does but I was kind of hoping to avoid a few things along the way.  No such luck.  Lindsay has to face the music, as always.

Things are starting to calm down, and by things, I mean me.  iive ben talking less, and it has shown in my eye color.  (LOONG STORY.)

I've just been observing the way people act around me and things like that.  (I got the idea from a friend.)  So people have wondered what was wrong with me.
Maybe eventually they'll get used to my new-found solidarity. 

Of course, that immediately changed after school, when I was walking with Courtney.  She is just too, bubbly to avoid talking to.  Because I was in some sort of detached state from my body or something like that, I kind of felt myself making motions with my hands and chatting animatedly, but it wasn't really me.  It was like someone else instead.

Maybe you guys will understand what I'm trying to say without me actually telling you.

But anyways, I could see everything.  Like how the grass was this tan shade and how the gravel is so littered with broken glass that it sparkles.  Or like how the buses went by so that I could feel the exhaust on my face. 

But really I was deep inside my head.  Just kind of thinking, reflecting about why things happen the way they do.

Maybe I'm growing up.

Or maybe I'm just depressed.

Love,
Lindsay

You know what I hate?  I hate it when I am lied to.  Because I was acting like a total idiot in front of Chris when it didn't even matter.  He didn't like me anyway, so why did he bother?

Why did I bother?

I can't stand myself.  There's too much material to work with.  I can be really quiet, really i can, but no one wants me to.
It bothers them when I am quiet.

Am I really such an idiot-tard that I have to talk as a norm?

Also, I don't get angry.  At school, I play the "victim" card, where basically I just am sad and everyone comes to "poor Lindsay's" rescue.

Or I can be a "therapist" for everyone.  Stressful but i don't know what I would do without it.

More importantly, i don't know what they would do without my help.

It's so weird. 

I'm at the center of my own universe, but I stand there alone.  Everyone is there, but no one is really.

I...am....really alone....

Kind of depressing.

-Lindsay

To my ultra-dedicated readers, which means me, hear this:

i hate everything, but not everyone.

Love, Hate
Lindsay